When love is not enough
by Lady Carlton
Summary: Sometimes, regardless of all efforts, love is not enough... A Steve/Cath -sad- story.


_**This is my first attempt to write a Steve/Cath story so, please guys.. just be kind.**_

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Except for my imagination, it all belongs to CBS.**

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><p><em>The reality is that changes are coming... They must come.<em>

John Hersey

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><p>I've lost count of how many times it happened between us.<p>

Things between us were never normal, never ordinary.. but I agreed to that. Yes. _Agreed__._

Whenever I was on shore leave, we would do the same thing; one of us would call each other, we'd hang out, have a great time together (never making to diner) and we would have an argument at some point.. I hate that. The part when we yell at each other, not everything else.

People might think, because we're practically the same kind - a NAVY Lieutenant and an ex-SEAL - we would make things work easily. We did at first, but then things started to get in the way and _voilá_.. Here we are. The hard evidence that, even though we need to be tougher than everyone else, we are nothing but humans. And now, we're so close to each other and yet, feels like there's an abyss separating us. And I hate it even more.

I hate the fact that, while time passes by, our ability to make things work and overcome any obstacles seem to wane and I can't do nothing but watch it fade.

I hate the fact that we used to be strong, now we're moving fast to be strangers again.

I hate how I drove all the way back to my place but I couldn't stay there. So I made an U turn and returned to his place.

I hate the fact that it's late and I'm sitting here in the dark, all alone while he's somewhere inside.. And I can almost see him; his body resting on a chair in his lanai as he holds a bottle of beer.

I hate the distance. I hate what I'm about to do. I just hate it all.

Gathering all the strength I have left and all the will power, I force myself out of the car and I walk to his front door. Yes, I could just walk around his house and meet him at the lanai, but that's not what I'll do. I can't.

With a deep breath, I knock on his door.

I'm pretty sure the sound of my knuckles on his door is muffled by the sound of my pounding heart, but after what seems to be an eternity, the door went wide open and there he is.

_Oh God, how can someone be that dazzling? It's not fair.._

We just stood there, looking at each other for a very long while. Even without saying a word, I can see the turmoil in his eyes, just like he can see in mine.

Swallowing hard a couple of times, I finally find my voice again - at least part of it.

"Hi.." That's all I can mutter. Hi. It's pretty lame, I admit. But that's the best I can do for now. I don't like what I have to do, so I'm just trying to buy some time.

"Hey," said Steve simply. His hand let go of the doorknob and she noticed the beer bottle in his right hand. A smile almost appeared on her face because she knew him so well, but it disappeared before he could see it, and her heart sank when he opened the door and asked her if she didn't want to come in.

If I wanted to come in? Of course I wanted that. I wanted to come in, launch my arms around his neck, kiss those perfect lips and tell him everything I've been keeping inside for a long while now. But I won't.

"No, thanks. I don't-" My voice failed, so I took a deep breath and forced myself to continue. "I just.. I just came here to say I'm leaving." As the words came out of my mouth, I felt like there was a hand inside my chest and it was squeezing my heart with no mercy. I had to struggle so hard to not let my emotions show how devastating that was to me. And I think I delivered that alright because I didn't flinch when I noticed his eyes becoming really deep.

"Okay," he said in a cold tone. I had to take a couple of deep breaths to not fall apart right there.

"I just got a phone call. I have to get back." I honestly don't know why I'm explaining myself..

"I understand." This time, his voice isn't as cold as the '_okay_' from five seconds ago and, even though it still breaks my heart and my soul, I feel a little less miserable.

Silence fell upon us one more time and I quietly thanked God for that. I wasn't ready. God! I don't think I would never be ready..

"Cath, are you alright?"

His caring words caught me with my guard down. _What was I supposed to say? The truth or should I lie?_

"Yes, I'm fine."

It was a lie, of course. I knew it and Steve knew it, but we both chose to ignore it.

"I have to go now," I said finally. It was half past midnight already and the darkness outside worked as a camouflage to hide the darkness within me.

With a short nod, Steve showed he understood that. "See you, Cath."

The tears were now pooling in my eyes. I was on the verge of crying, wondering why was I doing that.. It was necessary but, just because I had to do it, it doesn't mean it would hurt any less. It didn't. It got me feeling torn to shreds but I said those goddamned words. "Goodbye Steve."

The mixture of emotions could easily be felt in my words, but I didn't mind. I've never said '_goodbye_' to him, not even the first time I saw him. It was always, '_see you soon_', '_take care, sailor_' or anything that would express the same thing, but never goodbye.

I didn't wait to see his reaction; if he called me, I didn't hear it. If he was as devastated as I was, I didn't see it.. I just turned my back to him and walked away as the tears started to fall endlessly.

I was numb. I felt empty.

It was our first and last goodbye, and I hated doing that. I hated myself for doing that. Because, regardless of the hate I was feeling, I loved that man.. and maybe he loved me too. Too bad love was not enough..

_At least not for now._ I add hopefully in my head as I entered in my car and drove away from where my heart wanted to stay.


End file.
